Things are going to change

I set this up to be super duper positive about life but if truth be told at the moment it's all a big lie. My life is at this precise moment in time teetering on the edge and I really don't want it to go any further over. Writing this down is meaning I have to be honest with myself and honest about sorting it out. My dads illness and death at a time of pregnancy,and a little one already, was horrendous, add to that a husband who I know did care but found it difficult to communicate as I became ever more upset and turned to my friends instead so finally after the birth of pink monkey I walked away causing more misery not just to myself but to my children and my ex, a guilt which I feel on a regular basis, have I destroyed my children's futures - as the press is littered with broken home stories - their Dad has proved he is a constant in their life he loves them unconditionally and I am confident he will always be there. So I've started again in a rented house whilst I wait for the family home to sell, I'm juggling a stressful and at the moment unrewarding job with 2 little ones who need me for everything, I feel unsettled in a house that I know isn't our long term home, for the first time in a long time I am watching the money I spend and covering the monthly overspend with savings worrying about how that will all work out, and it transpires that i've been an absolute bitch to my friends not intentionally - and I wish I'd known sooner - but through my sheer selfishness of not realising what was going on around me being so wrapped up in me. I really think some of it is confusion - they feel I have had a few dates and avoided them infact I know that I am more conscious of ever this stage and I probably do avoid but not because I'm wrapped up but because I worry they will only think I call when I am alone - I suppose that doesn't make sense - but being on my own I don't want to intrude on others I am the one who needs company not them they have the other half I am the needy one. I have struggled in some social situations this past year - the gap of husband has felt at times horrendous and it seems I have shown this more than I realized. Do I care about my friends - yes they have been there for me and it seems I haven't repaid that yet, do I hope they will let me repay it in the future then yes. Today has been the final straw, I have to admit that I am struggling now, I can no longer pretend that all is fine because it clearly isn't. Tomorrow I need to start again, start becoming the old me again I was happier, nicer just better,these past few years have taken so many things from me and I don't want to spend the next few years being like this. So today this post is completely honest it's not positive happy smiley it's miserable and grey but by admitting hopefully I can change.